I'm a firm believer that our twenties is the perfect time to figure out who we want to be (and no I don't mean "find yourself," there's a difference), and I've been giving it a lot of thought lately.
Who do I want to be?
Do I want to be the person who comes home from college and is constantly noting who gained some "beer weight" at school? Or the person that politely combats that comment? Or what about the one that just sits there and lets their friend make comments like that?
I've decided that I really want to be the second person in this scenario, but sometimes it's harder than it seems. We grow up in, let's be honest, a pretty cruel society, and we learn from a very young age that there's this thing called "social norms" and we're supposed to follow them (no, I was not using the phrase "social norm" as a first grader, but you know what I mean). When we don't, we aren't "accepted," and that's a bad thing, we're taught, because being accepted is what makes us happy.
Recently I've realized that college has changed me. I wouldn't say that it's been a bad change, actually, I think it's for the better, but it's been a change regardless. Growing up, I was always the "nice one." Actually, a lot of the time I was too nice and that label should have read "pushover." I never wanted to hurt anyone and that meant that I wasn't good at saying no or arguing with people if I didn't agree with them.
That's not who I am anymore. Sure, I would still consider myself to be a stereotypically "nice" person. I try really hard to keep my negative thoughts about people to myself, accept them for who they are and avoid all the terribly pointless drama that comes with gossiping. The difference is that I know how to say no now, and I know when it's the appropriate time to speak up for myself and my beliefs. AND I know how important it is that I have a set of beliefs that I can call my own.
Although I'm passionate about standing up for them these days, sometimes, I have a really hard time living by my values.
On paper, I might seem like a bit of a prude: I don't believe in showing a lot of skin, swearing often, cheating (all forms-on tests and people) or doing drugs. I don't see the point in "messing around" or dating someone without seeing a possible future with them beyond college. I go out to have fun and dance, not to find someone to make out with. I take school very seriously and value my education above everything else I'm committed to in college.
These aren't super "popular" beliefs when you're 20 years old. Sure, I know plenty of people who share the same values as me (they're my friends), but I feel like I know twice as many people who don't share them. At school, I'm often surrounded by the temptation to give in and go against the things I belief in, whether it be dressing or acting a certain way, or doing something I told myself I would never do.
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| I'm glad that there's finally a meme that gets me. Go Feminist Frank! |
So far, I've actually held true to my personal beliefs. It may have cost me a boy's attention (actually, that's a fact, I know it has), or prevented me from being a part of a "cooler" crowd, but I really don't give a crap. I'm not gonna lie, I did care for a while. I wondered if it was really worth living in such a seemingly "innocent" manner, but then I realized that that's the only way I want to live. I don't care how other people might label it, I am who I am and I'm proud of myself for keeping true to my beliefs everyday. I've realized that the people that I keep in my life are the people that either share the same values as me or accept our differences. Why would I waste my time on someone who judges me for not wanting to do something because it comprises my morals, or judges me for being more "innocent" than they are? Putting energy into relationships with people like that just isn't worth it.
Here's possibly the most important lesson I've learned in college: we're all different, and if you can't accept and at least attempt to appreciate that, you're going to have a hard time moving forward with your life. I for one, am one of "different's" biggest fans. I purposefully surround myself with people of all backgrounds and beliefs because I can't continue to develop as an individual without an array of perspectives in my life. I actually love talking to people who see life in a different way than I do because that's how I decide who I want to be. Do I see things that way? What part of that do I agree with? What don't I agree with? Challenging my own beliefs and confirming or denying that I still believe them is the only healthy way to maintain a values-based life, in my opinion.
That's the thing about beliefs; they don't all have to be concrete. Sure, the ones I listed above are concrete, and same goes for probably the majority of the values I live by, but that doesn't mean that I don't change my thought process form time to time. For example, I used to be the type to judge girls who wore revealing outfits out and would think that they were "just asking for it." Well, after reading just a single piece of feminist literature, that belief changed. NOTHING condones rape or sexual assault of any sort, not even the way a girl is dressed (actually, especially not the way she's dressed). Girls should be able to dress however the hell they want and not have to live with the possibility that going to a college party increases their chance of being violated. But, that's the reality, and I could go on a super long and intense feminist rant but I'll save that for another time.
Anyway, all I'm saying is that this is the time to think about what we really believe in. My biggest pet peeve is when kids share every single belief of their parents even into adulthood, just because they've never challenged that thought process. Of course it's okay to agree with your parents, but you shouldn't agree with them because you haven't taken the time to ponder if you, as an individual completely separate from your family, really shares the same perspective.
I don't know if any of that made sense, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I hope you all take the time to challenge your beliefs, and decide which ones you want to live by. Don't be afraid to set some personal values and don't be afraid if they're different than the "norm" because they're going to bring you a lot more happiness than that silly, middle-school sensation of "acceptance"ever did.
